I spent last night trying to figure out how to put into words how I was feeling, and then I knocked out instead. I don’t know–from venting too much about things that don’t matter to failing to make plans with someone who doesn’t matter to stressing out because a friend told me that they were feeling suicidal, I guess my negativity slowly accumulated throughout the night.
Today, I sat down for dinner, and my mom said, “Want to hear some bad news I got today?”
And I just said “Sure,” assuming it’d be something about work for some reason, and then she said, “Well, I went in for a mammogram the other day, and now the doctor wants me to come in for an appointment for 2 hours…”
… Well, it’s too early to assume anything, but it’s okay because he just wants to meet for 2 hours to tell her that everything’s normal, right?
And after dinner, my mom and I just stopped and looked at each other, and she just had such a sad expression that all I could do was hug her.
I hate this.
It’s 11:19pm, I’m sitting in Young Hickory with Steven, and in 4 hours, I’ve only written 1 cover letter and bookmarked 5 jobs.
… the feeling that I have no idea how to look for jobs is sinking in. What am I even looking for?
… I keep searching, and I keep finding things that I’m not qualified for.
Job hunting sucks.
Also, I borrowed Kev’s laptop to work, and he doesn’t have Microsoft Office installed… what is this nonsense?!
February 24, 2015:
So I finally hung out with Brenton–yay for following through with plans! We’ve been talking about going out to eat together and having chick flick nights for a long time now, so since we only got food, I guess we’re halfway there, haha. Glad we finally caught up though. (:
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, so next up is workday with Steven.
February 23, 2015:
Today, my patience ran very thin. I was training someone at work today, so 95% of my time was dedicated just to watching him/ telling him what to do. And it was only his 3rd day, so I knew he’d be significantly slower than me, but watching him type with three fingers and slowly navigate using the computer definitely made me cringe a little. He kept apologizing profusely for taking a long time, so I couldn’t even be mad at him. Sigh, it was just a struggle that will continue until he gets up to speed.
February 22, 2015:
Holy crap, I think this is the first time I’m posting on the day of in a while.
Today I went to Yorba Linda to celebrate New Year’s with relatives, and it was about the same as it usually is. There’s not actually much to reflect about there.
So! Random thoughts of the night:
Yesterday I was watching Glee, and at the end of the episode, two of the characters make a pact that if they are both single when they’re 30, that they’ll get married to each other. And it reminded me of a friend I had in high school who made the same promise to me, except we said when we’re 35 and single.
… And then he got married like two years ago or something crazy like that?
… So what’s my backup plan now? (Jk. Kind of.)I know it’s completely unreasonable and probably overdramatic of me, but there are times that I legitimately think that I am going to end up alone because I’m not sure that I’ll actually find someone who will want to be with me. Like, I don’t know how to explain it, nor do I fully want to go into detail about it, but it’s just the way I am, I guess.
February 21, 2015:
It was a pretty solid day from start to finish (well, minus the hangover I had).
My mom hosted a mini New Year’s lunch with my sister, my sister’s boyfriend, my cousin, and his daughter Evie. My mom made a ton of my favorites, like the mango appetizer with shrimp crackers and chicken stew with a ton of mushrooms. After that, we were just hanging out with Evie, and I finally got her to smile because apparently she likes taking selfies! She clung to her dad for most of the day, but there was a point when she crawled over and rested against me, and it was literally the highlight of my day.