Day 73:

Today, in Sunny San Diego fashion, was a lovely 80+ degrees outside. And what did I do today? I stayed in and watched shows all day long. To be fair, I should be resting since I’m still sick and all (a lame excuse, but an excuse nonetheless).

I went out to dinner with my parents and then to Starbucks, and despite it being 9:00pm, I was comfortably sitting outside in my dress because it was still 70 degrees out. And as we got home, I just thought, “Man, it would be a really nice night to just walk to the park, lie in the grass, and just talk about life with someone.” A bit corny, maybe, but it was a nice thought.

Back in high school, I used to go on walks around my neighborhood or go to a park and just chill and hang out with people. I really miss it sometimes. I swear, my bonding time with people now is just constantly eating (not that I mind…). But so many times, i feel like I’m going to run out of things to talk about at some point, and I don’t know if it’s because of me, or because of the people I spend time with.

Anyway, I started reminiscing, and I started thinking about Wes. I haven’t really written about him here, so here goes.
Wes was my best friend in high school, and the whole story of our friendship is a long, complicated mess that I don’t think I really want to spell out completely. But the other day, someone on Tumblr asked me how many people I trust, and I thought of him, because if there was someone I wholeheartedly trusted, it was him. It’s funny because if you met him, you probably would be surprised because we might not have seem like the typical pair of best friends, but for some reason, it just worked. There was something about our friendship that made it so easy. There were times where we would see each other every day and talk to each other every night, but I never got tired of him, and I never felt like I was going to run out of things to say. If there was one person who I would’ve wanted to go to the park with tonight and talk about life, it would be him.

But shit happens, and people drift apart, and things were probably not as great as I remember them to be, so he’s not a part of my life anymore. Things definitely fell apart my first year in college, which started a whole slew of angsty and depressing Tumblr posts, lol. I think the last time I saw him was last May? So it’s been a solid ten months, but the stupid thing is I still miss him so damn much. He has missed out on the last 3 or 4 years of my life, and there were so many times that I needed him, but he wasn’t there. There were so many times that I wanted to be there for him, but he shut me out instead. I remind myself that it was probably for the best that he wasn’t around, but it’s still hard because I was so heavily dependent on him.

Anyway, I don’t really know what the point of writing about him was, but he was just a really big part of my life/ one of those people who really shaped who I am today. Every so often, I get tempted to text him or call him to see how he is, but I know that he probably won’t respond or that he’ll flake or that I’m just trying to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore. I just hate the effect that he still has on me, when he probably doesn’t even think of me anymore, you know?

He meant a lot to me.


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